late

So I put this off for a while, I thought it would just go away, that the day would never have to come. That i would just leave and that life would go on. Yet here i am sitting in my parents office, Jessica upstairs, mom and dad just feet away, and all I can think is that it is no where near over and the roller coaster has just started.

Two years ago I graduated from collage, packed up all my stuff and drove. 33 hours later I was moving into a one bedroom basement apartment.

In that room I wrote, I cried, I grew, I laughed, I shared, I learned.

A year later I knew more about community, the Lord, and myself.
A year later I decided to stay. I stayed for people, for a calling, for a purpose.
A year later I moved into a new apartment.

In this three bedroom place I made new best friends, laughed more, cried more, shared more, preached more and learned more.

A year later I had community.
A year later I had a deeper understanding of a calling.
A year later I was moving yet again.

*Now it is even later, Jessica is back in Pullman, my parents are at work and my sister is in the other room waiting to go to the movies with me. I yet again pushed this off because I don't do hard well and I don't do change easy.*

So most of you know by now I moved back to Dallas to follow a passion I have a had since college. I accepted a teaching job as a mission field but also as a way to accomplish this dream.

I am sorry if I left to fast to say bye
I am sorry if I never got to sit across a table from you, with our favorite coffee in hand, and tell you in person that I was leaving.

Believe me when I say I wanted to, but I don't do change well and because of that I don't do change slow.

The last few weeks here in Texas have been hard.

I miss everything I was told I would

Friends
Church
Random dinners
Watching GLEE
Coffee on every corner

I miss things more then I thought I would

Meetings
A roommate without a car
A roommate with a lot of make up
A small room where the window was broken
Church where I knew people

Yall taught me more then I recognize right now, yall showed me God in ways I did not notice at the time.

Computers, coffee, Tennis, 15 min car rides to that other state, talking through silence, and loving

deeply passionately authentically loving

Cheesy as it may be, I will never forget the mark you all left on my life. The people I talk with here, the students I will teach, the friends I will make
They will all know yall, they will know writer are artists, they will know engineers are not just nerds, that playing the guitar until your fingers bleed is passion, that even settlers is a game worth playing at least once, that magic is real and that you can not be defined until you know who you are.

You taught me to search for greatness and in the meantime live a life worth looking at
and for this is am grateful

So, thank you

thank you, for allowing God to use you in my life.
thank you for being my friends, my mentors, my community,

thank you

Drama, Drama,Drama

There are days where love is in the air, where faith stands firm and life is easy to be lived.

There are days where hope seems endless, age seems not to matter, and joy is peace dancing.

Then there are days where drama conquers, where over reacting is a style, and where life becomes hard.

I live in all of these moments.

I was reminded this morning that a quite life is one where you win the respect of the people near you. (1 thess 4)

Quite is a goal, quite is a way of life I do not understand all time.

Quite is a new path, one I shall try to walk more regularly.

forgiving in world where forgiveness is a lost art

Last night I sat in church and heard a sermon on forgiveness.

Nothing new, Nothing old, pure truth.

As a kid I was taught to say sorry not when I thought I was wrong but when what I did hurt others. So at times I was saying sorry but understanding the what that was behind the words I spoke.

As a youth I sat and listened to girls hurt each other with their words and actions and it never even cross their mind that they could be hurting those near them.

As a college student I lived in a world where hurt was a definition of life for a while. Where forgiveness was not a word i spoke or heard but excuses where all around.

Since then I have walk a path where forgiving allows me to see that life is easier when you forgive and move on. Life works better, freedom is found and hope for a better life is closer then one might think.

Forgiveness is seeing what has happened, naming it and letting it go. A choice is made.

Last night i heard the words "you have to know what you are forgiving them for."

This changed my outlook last night. Putting a face to the thing or person you are forgiving allows for the forgiveness to actually happen.

Sometimes i get it, sometimes people are up front, and they are honest with how i hurt then and then sorry and forgive me actually mean what they are suppose to.

Sometimes i miss it and people hurt me and i act like i am tough enough to make it through the night, through the week without help and with out them saying that they are sorry.

Then time passes and i go on in life, i act whole and healed and I act like my life is all together.

Then I hear those words, "you have to know what you are forgiving them of"

I forgave the person, I think we could be friends again, I think we could talk and hang out.

I forgave the person but not the act.

I live a life of guardedness, not because i did not forgive the person, but because i did not forgive the act.

I live a life arms length apart. I live a life of don't hurt me and I won't hurt you. I live a life of get this close but not that close. I live a life of we can be friends but not.

The act needs to be forgiven.

So last night, I forgave the act. I forgave the what. I took note of what had happened and I forgave.

Heart Change, Sex Trafficking, Going to Thailand

In December I sat across the table from a friend by the name of Noah. I was sitting there as a staff member from Resonate, and he was talking to me about Thailand, and having a passion for helping girls who have been in bondage. Girls who are living a life of modern day slavery. Girls who are sex slaves.

I listen to him talk, got excited about the possibility of Resonate sending a team of people to work with these women, to help with after care and other needs they have over there.

I went home, to Texas and prayed fervently for this trip, prayed God would give Noah direction in where to go specifically, that God would open doors for this trip to become a reality.

As I prayed things in my own life and heart were beginning to change and beginning to long for something more.

I have a friend name Molly. Every Thursday I sit on the opposite side of the table from her and we talk. We discuss life, heart breaks, loves, God and how we are to live in this world. Not just get by but LIVE in the Image of God.

For Molly this looks like being aware of how Gods heart breaks for the hurting people in this world.

Me and Molly have been friends for two years now, and for two years I've listen to her love for Jesus grow as her love for the people in the world grows. I have watched as she has helped the campus here learn more about the conditions of the world we live. I am sure at times this has been hard, because as we sit at a table together my heart rarely would break, tears would never fall and at times I did not understand why you would want to know these things.

My life was find, living in the unknowing. Living in the disbelief.

Last year Molly taught me about Fair trade coffee.

This year Molly taught me about Slavery.

This past week was abolition week at WSU and UofI. Resonate took part in a three week sermon series over slavery, and the fact that we are all made in the image of God.

During week two Molly and many others hosted two events, a discussion and a movie about starting a new culture. A culture where abolishing slavery is not just something that happened years ago but needs to happen NOW.

I sat across the table from Molly and for months prior to this week listen to her talk about this idea. I would walk away from our time together and cry. Cry tears of change and tears of hope. I would walk away from our time and ask how God does this apply to me, how does this new knowledge change my life.

All the time i was praying this God kept bring back to mind my friend Noah and the trip he was planning.

During the last two weeks or well two months, my faith has been shaken, my heart has started to understand lines like...

do what you love to undo what you hate
I don't want to wear someone else's despair, or eat someone else's tragedy.
Justice is what love looks like in public

I have gotten to fall in love with a God that says...

we are all made in the image of God and so when people are hurting others, they are hurting me

I have found the word LIVE, to mean something in my life. I have the word CHANGE, to mean something in my life. I have found the word GO, to mean something in my life.

So here I am

LIVING, CHANGING, GOING

Living in a world were I know what is going on, not just getting through the days trying to stay in the dark.

Changing how I see people. Seeing people who are made in the image of God, means loving better, forgiving easier and holding tighter to the fact we all deserve someone to fight for us.

Going to Thailand. For eight weeks this summer I will be living in the changed life God is calling me to in Bangkok Thailand. Being love and hope to girls who maybe have never heard or felt those words.

Ah, who knows whats going on?

Well, to catch up on whats going on in my life would be a challenge. For to be honest I do not think I really know what has happened in my life in the last few weeks.

But i do know what has happen in the last few days, so we will start there!

This past Saturday, I had the opportunity to talk to some women in their 20s about knowing God deeper and ways to live where we can tell a better story with a lives. Tell a story that leads people to the feet of the cross.

While talking a said things like...what are the 4 areas that define your life? How do you glorify God in those 4 areas?

I told the story of the the women at the well, read about her running leaving everything she brought to Jesus at his feet, turning away and being changed because of her time with him. She spoke to the people in her town, she spoke with passion and allowed others to see the change in her life, she told a story that showed them love and grace!

The story she told we all get to tell everyday, we daily get to catch a glance of the love of God and then allow that love to spill into the lives of the people near us, the people who give us coffee, the people who work in the commons, the people that we claim we love.

As I talked I learned, and I learned I tried to set into motion some changes that need to occur in my own heart.

This moment, or well hour, showed me so much about my own life, and about my own, heart, and my own story I am telling!

So what story are you telling with your life?

Some day soon I will write more. Some day soon I will put more words on here then two lines. Some day soon I will yet again consider myself a writer but for today I dont and I wont.

Soon people soon

tears that wont fall

sometimes i wish i could cry, then i remember that the tears i long to cry are out of my own strength and not in His name!